Ensigns, Borgs, and Llamas
by Lesietta Wehs
Summary: A parody. Borg take over the ship and everyone is to stupid to notice. Neelix fans might not enjoy this story.


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Ensigns, Borgs, and Llamas

Author's note: Please read/review. If you must criticize, make it constuctive. 

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek, Voyager, The Delta Flyer, Janeway, Seven of Nine, ect. Those belong to Paramount. I'm just borrowing them. But the smart ensign and brig guard are mine. 

(Janeway's voice) Captain's log: Stardate 44747.47: We've come across some traders, who had nothing of use to us to offer for trade. So, as ususal, we stopped for a week to complete trades. During this time, the captain of the other ship informed me of a normal spacial anomaly, two weeks out of our way, we, of course have decided to explore it.

(Scene 1: The Bridge: late shift)

We see Harry serving as acting Captain. He is sitting in Janeway's chair, spinning it around in circles.

Harry: Wheee! Wheee! Wheee!

Ensign Kim (acting captain) continues to spin, faster and faster. Suddenly, the chair becomes stuck. This causes Harry to be thrown from the chair, and the chair to fall over, broken.

Harry: Wheee! Wheee! Whe- OUCH!

The ensign at the ops station is struggling to hide a grin.

Same Ensign: Kim, We're being hailed.

The bridge is silent, save the sounds of machinery, and Harry. Talking to himself.

Harry: Aww, poor wittle Harwee has a boo-boo! The mean chair threw Harwee out…

Ensign at Ops station: HARRY!

Harry: Poor witt- What?

He sits up, looking at her.

Ensign: We're being hailed. What do you want me to do?

Harry jumps up, excited. 

Harry (In high, childish voice) Hailed? Golly Gee Giz! 

He coughs, then deepens his voice, as he pushes Janeway's chair back up in its rightful position. It falls over, so he sits in the first officer chair instead.

Harry: On screen.

On the screen we see a Borg; but wearing a trenchcoat, and a pair of those big black glasses with the fake nose attached. The Borg is 'disguised' as a 12 year old.

Borg: We are- (he coughs) err. I'm Billy Bob Joe! Guess what? I'm 12, and I'm doing a school project. I have to study ships that pass through this area. Can I beam aboard tomorrow to watch your crew at work?

Harry: A school project? Well sure! Anything to help. Us Starfleet officers love to help kids.

Borg: Gee, thanks mister! My friends and I will beam on tomorrow.

Harry: Alright, now, you should go to bed, its very late! Voyager out.

Ensign: Uh, Captain Ensign Kim, I don-

Harry: Silence! You don't know anything. I've been a Ensign for seven years! You were promoted to Ensign from crewman last week.. So there. (he sticks his tongue out at her) 

(Scene 2: Engineering: same time)

The Engineers are working on realigning the warp drive. At least, that's what the staff is doing. B'Elanna, on the other hand…

B'Elanna is playing pong against the computer. She is losing, 1,999,999,999 to 5. To vent frustration, she kicks the console.

B'Elanna: Bh'Thak! You insult my honor! Suffer my wrath!

She pulls a Bat'Lith from its handy-dandy hiding spot and slices the console in two. She then kicks it several times for good measure. Ashmore, seeing this, manages to pull her away before she does more damage.

B'Elanna (glaring at console): Perhaps you have suffered enough for now.

She turns to another staff member, pointing the Bat'Lith at him.

B'Elanna: fix the console or my honor will be insulted.

He nods, but really doesn't know anything about Engineering. He was placed here after some confusion. He's really supposed to be a red-shirted ensign.

Staff who should be a red-shirted ensign: Uh, sure Lt. Torres.

He smiles.

Same dude: It will only take a minute.

He grabs the nearest tool box, removes a roll of duct tape, and starts to tape the console back together.

B'Elanna storms from Engineering.

B'Elanna: I must repair my honor.

(Scene 3: The Bridge: The next day)

Janeway is seated on a milk crate, while her chair is being repaired by crewmen. She is, of course, drinking coffee.

Janeway: Ensign Kim (slurp) report (slurp) on your last (slurp) shift (slurp).

Harry: Well, it was pretty boring.

Janeway: The chair (slurp)

Harry: That? Well, wild llamas came running out of nowhere and set about destroying the bridge. But they only got the chair before I phasered them away. 

Janeway: Very (slurp) good. Anything else?

Kim: Some kids are beaming on today to go their school project.

Janeway is trying to get he last bit of coffee from her cup.

Janeway: Mmmmh hmmmhhf hmmm

She waves her hand in approval, then licks her lips. She has finished the coffee.

Janeway: Where's Neelix? I need more coffee. I'd replicate some, but, I used all my credits for this month on Starbucks ice cream…

Chakotay: My spirit guide says coffee burns the soul. You should lay off for a while. I'm sure your spirit guide would agree.

Janeway: Whatever. NEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLIX!

He comes running, hoping that the few fans he has are recording this.

Neelix; What is it, Captain? Highness, ma'am lady sir?

Janeway: The hat.

Neelix: Yes ma'am. I was spea-

Janeway: Now Neelix, you know if you say over 15 words we'd have to pay you more. And you just don't have enough fans for that to happen. You aren't scheduled for this story. 

He nods, and pulls out a construction hat, which he places on Janeway's head. He then attached four coffee cups, which he fills, and runs tubes out of the cups. He hands the tubes to Janeway, and she puts them in her mouth.

Janeway: You are dismissed.

Neelix leaves, to go vote for himself on favorite character polls.

Tuvok: Captain, that hat is a most illogical choice for someone of your rank.

Tom: Shut up, no one cares about logic.

He gasps in shock.

Tom: Neelix has two words left! That means he'll be back!

The entire bridge groans.

Neelix heard his name mentioned, and has coming running.

Neelix: Yes, Tom?

Tom: Oh! Ha ha! You used all your words! You can't talk! And I can! Because all the ladies love cool Tom! I'm LL cool T!

Neelix: (what'd you think? He can't say anything!) So he leaves.

Seven of Nine walks on the bridge.

Seven: The ratings have plummeted. I must stand here until the ratings return to normal.

She stands there, with a smug look on her face.

Harry: Captain, the kids will be her in several minutes.

Seven: Children are irrelevant. They make terrible Borg.

Captain: Now Seven. At least let Harry explain.

Harry: Yeah! They're coming to do a school project. We're going to be studied!

Seven: That is an inefficient use of time.

Captain: Seven, this would be a good learning experience for you.

Tuvok: I concur with Seven of Nine. Being studied is a most illogical use of time.

Tom: Tuvok, why don't you stick your logic where the sun doesn't shine?

Harry (doesn't understand): Underground?

Tom: No…

Harry: Deck 12?

Tom: No…

Harry: Seattle Washington?

Tom: NO! I meant stick it in his a-

Janeway: Astrometics lab!

Harry (confused): But Tuvok doesn't have-

Janeway: Nevermind, young Harry. Why don't you go play in astrometrics? You havn't been there for a while.

Harry: Okay!

He runs off. 

Seven: The ratings have risen. I must regenerate.

She exits.

Janeway: Now, about those kids…

Enter the three 'kids'

Janeway: Ah, there they are. 

She stands.

Janeway: My name is Captain Kathryn Janeway, and I have a prob-

She coughs.

Janeway: I mean, welcome to Voyager.

Nameless ensign from earlier: Uh, Captain, those 'kids' are-

Janeway: Quiet! Be nice to our new friends!

Ensign: Ma'am-

Janeway: To the brig!

Ensign who at this current time is more popular than Neelix: But-

Janeway(with the Look): You are dismissed!

Ensign: Fine. You look really stupid in that hat, by the way.

She exits.

Janeway turns to the 'children' and smiles.

Janeway: I apologize for her behavior. She's an Ensign, thinks she knows everything.

Borg 1: We understand, but in our culture we call them teenagers.

Janeway: Let's start our tour with sick bay. Follow me.

Janeway, Borgs 1-3 exit

(scene 4: sickbay, minutes later)

The Doctor is tending to a patient.

Doctor: You see, being a projection of light makes me superior to you, and this entire crew. I am almost perfect, while all you living people are very flawed. The only one who comes close to being as good as me is Seven of Nine. And that's because she's part machine.

Non-Paid Featured Extra: Yes sir. Can I go now?

The Doctor puts his tricorder away.

Doctor: You may go.

The extra- er, crewman, starts to leave, but meets up with the Borg. They assimilate him. And no one seems to notice/care.

Janeway: Why, hello crewman. I see you met our friends.

He lies on the ground, Borg implants growing on his face.

Borg 1: (stepping over the crewman) Highly fascinating facilities. 

Doctor: Well, after all, I do run sick bay. You seem to have intelligence superior intelligence. Here's the ship's database. (he hands them two PADDs)

Borg 3: Thanks this will really help with our project!

Chakotay enters

Chakotay: Spirit guides are very good at homework. You should get one.

He pauses, listening to his spirit guide

Chakotay: What's that, my little friend? Nearby danger? Well, I know the captain is almost out of coffee, but is it really that bad?

By this time, Borg are over the ship, and have started assimilating crewman- they work just like red-shirted Ensigns, each one has to die a different way, and there is an unlimited supply. The crew is still oblivious to this. All except one person.

(scene 5: The Brig: the same time)

Our Ensign friend: Hello? Are you all stupid? Those 'kids' are Borg! B-O-R-G! They're starting to assimilate us! Hello? Anyone?

Brig guard: Quiet! You can't be right, you don't have a name.

Ensign: Neither do you.

Guard: (gasps, with sudden realization) I don't, do I? Who am I? Why am I here? (processed to have an identity crisis)

Ensign: Look. I need help. For the purpose of my plan, I shall call you:

She pauses, dramatically.

Ensign: Shawn.

Guard: Shawn? Okay. And we'll call you Brooklyn.

Ensign: That's a ter-(thinls about never getting out of the brig and being assimilated) a terrific name. Thank you. Now, lower the force field, and you and I will take an escape pod.

Gua- I mean, Shawn: Okay. Where are the escape pods, anyway? Can't we take the Delta Flyer? (he lowers the force field)

Brooklyn: Well, I guess so. Let's go.

They run to the Delta Flyer. 

Shawn: Can we blow Voyager up? To keep the Borg from going anywhere?

Brooklyn: Sure, it's not like they're getting home anyway. You and I have a chance.

Shawn: (he smiles) I like blowing things up. Fire too. Kablllllewwwwy!

Brooklyn: (is starting the ship) Really? Me too.

She flies the Delta Flyer right through the docking bay doors.

Brooklyn: Whoops.

Shawn: (is pressing buttons.) How do I fire weapons? (finds a huge red button) Ooooh. (he pushes it.)

Voyager explodes, a ship that has survived seven years in uncharted territory has been destroyed by a large red button. But do not fear! Coming closer to our heros is another ship.

Brooklyn: Shawn! That ship looks just like Voyager! (she hails them) It's an alternate reality! That must mean this crew is smart!

Shawn: Does that mean we'll get last names too?

Brooklyn: Yes Shawn, it does. (she smiles) They want us to beam on. They'll tractor the flyer in.

Shawn: (still focused on last names) Wow. Maybe I'll be Shawn Smith. Or Shawn Jones.

The two shimmer, and disappear.

The End

(to be continued?)


End file.
